What did Aesop say: try to please everyone, you'll please no one.

[amanuensis1]

You guys were NO HELP. Everyone had their own take!

Well, somewhere in it, I sorted out this (since she's nasty and just does the same thing over and over and I really don't want to imagine her getting any):

I, Amanuensis, do solemnly swear that my favorite HP character is Harry Potter and my least favorite character is Mrs. Black. The mere thought of them doing naughty things together makes me whimper. However... given sufficient crack and an infinite number of monkeys, here's how a Harry Potter/Mrs. Black shag might happen :

Necessary plot device or deus ex machina: Harry's alone in Grimmauld Place because it's been willed to him. They still haven't been able to get Mrs. Black's picture off the wall so Harry either has to go quietly down the front hall, disable the front door knocker and the like, or put up with her shouting. But this is CAPSLOCK Harry, after all, who isn't in the mood to either go quietly or make concessions for anyone.
Who makes the first move: That's a question for the solicitors, I think. Severe provocation, and all that. But I think Harry leaps for the portrait and tries for the eleventy-eleventh time to pull it down, and Mrs. Black screeches that she's being violated, and Harry yells back that she doesn't know what violation is, but he'd be glad to show her.
Positions and/or kinks: Portrait frottage. I think Mrs. Black uses an heirloom candlestick to get herself off.
Afterglow: Harry refuses to wipe his own effluvia from the portrait. Visitors ask him if he's used some sort of restorative on the portrait; Mrs. Black's colors have never seemed so vivid.
Would I actually read or write this? Oh, hell yes. To both.

Comments

[tinderblast.livejournal.com]

I always knew that Harry was interested in the arts.

I've been sitting here wondering who to foist upon CAPSLOCK Harry, my great loff. *can't figure it out*

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I sincerely love CAPSLOCK Harry. It was about bloody time the kid snapped.


(I'm pretty sure I don't want to know the story behind your icon.)

[rose-whispers.livejournal.com]

Merciful Zeus, I think this is my favourite one so far. Portrait frottage. I'm dying.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*giggles* It's not a pretty picture, is it? No pun intended.

[ellid.livejournal.com]

You *would*? Good God, woman, you are made of stern stuff...personally I think they should wait till the full moon, clear everyone but unmedicated!Remus out of the house, and let Moony shred the portrait into about five million pieces, after which Snape can use the pieces for potions components.

But that's just me.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Not just you, oh, not just you. Actually my favorite take o' mine on Mrs. Black is Harry walling her up behind brick while Remus offers to go buy him a cask of amontillado. Drabbled it once.

[starrysummer.livejournal.com]

Hahaha!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Yup. You can't take the squick, stay outta the lj, I always say. ^_^

[twistedrecesses.livejournal.com]

*rofl*

You're amazing. I'd have to read such a fic, if only to convince myself it actually existed.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

See, I would too! I'd be all, "You're kidding. Let me see that!"

[florahart]

ewwwwwwwww, and also, hahahahahaha.

*wonders how well dares work with amy...*

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Depends on if they coincide with what I wanted to do anyway, hee.

[sorion.livejournal.com]

O_O Err...

You would actually write this? Not sure, I'd ever, ever read it ^-^'''''

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, and then I'd write fluffy feety-pajama fic for the other side of the lj. Er, maybe. ^_^

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

Portrait frottage? Aye, there's the rub.

Er.

I'll get my coat.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

And you've been waiting how long to use that, you naughty person?

[ter369.livejournal.com]

Effluvia is one of my favorite words.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Isn't it a good one? Right up there with miasma.

[sodamnquirky.livejournal.com]

You're writing this, aren't you?

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I sorta feel like I already did. *feels dirty*

[fluffyllama.livejournal.com]

Portrait frottage! *dies* Write it, write it!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*sigh* You try to become literate and what do they want? Cheap thrills. Honestly.

[ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com]

If you write that, I will so read it.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Darn, and here I was looking forward to chaining you to the chair! Yer no fun anymore.

[twigged.livejournal.com]

Portrait frottage.

HAHAHAHA. I can see him, like, hanging onto the frame with his fingers and toes, just going at it. That's some angry sex, right there.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, you would have to make the image more vivid. You animal, you.

[vikingcarrot.livejournal.com]

... I am dead. You have made me dead.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, the power of squickfic! *revives you*

[caretta.livejournal.com]

Write it! Write it!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

What, the images aren't already burned on your brain?

[cyclogenesis.livejournal.com]

>.>

<.<

OTP!!!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

"My kink is great but yours is TEH EVOL!!1!!1!"

[andreanna.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know I love you.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Bwah ha ha! *smooches you hard*

[divinereverie.livejournal.com]

*positively dies* You are the master, madam.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Just tryin' to keep up with the rest of you fun-loving zanies.

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

Positions and/or kinks: Portrait frottage. I think Mrs. Black uses an heirloom candlestick to get herself off.

Jesusfuck.

Afterglow: Harry refuses to wipe his own effluvia from the portrait. Visitors ask him if he's used some sort of restorative on the portrait; Mrs. Black's colors have never seemed so vivid.


That's .... brilliant? :)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Well, VIVID. ^_^ And not a little unhygenic. *giggles, hugs you*

[cursescar.livejournal.com]

I totally would, too.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

One huge, "NO! WHERE??" and we'd be off, I tell ya.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Doooooooooooooooooomed, you're dooooooooooooooomed. I look forward to seeing it writ. ;) Or at least seeing Harry befoul Mrs. Black in heinous and frottinious ways.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*goes to own doom serenely*

[shaychana.livejournal.com]

that... is rather scary. although the afterglow bit made me snort coke. err, the liquid kind.

here via morbid curiosity xylodemon.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I was trying to type a clever response and ended up spewing my own beverage at your icon! Bwah ha ha!!

OMG

[rectpropagation.livejournal.com]

I would read just about anything with CAPSLOCK Harry ala potter_mouth.

Re: OMG

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I love CAPSLOCK Harry, I really do. Poor mite needed to get ranty after four books and puberty, I say.

[aux.livejournal.com]

*snigger*
I feel sullied. In a pleasant way.
Maybe CAPSLOCK Harry would be inclined to angrily foist himself onto my icon, no?

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

One day she won't let him into the tower...and the poor boy just SNAPS. ^_^

XD

[aiji-yuywell.livejournal.com]

That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. you are definately more creative (http://www.livejournal.com/users/aiji_yuywell/62262.html) than me. :3
<3<3<3<3

Re: XD

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Death Eater Initiations with perviness, yayyyyy!