Flailgasms, fansquees, and ALL THE FEELS. Avengers review.

[amanuensis1]

Avengers, The Avengers, Avengers Assemble...whatever they called it in your damn country, it's my duty to tell you they titled it wrong. The actual title of this film is, Would You All Just F**k Already.

Oh my GOD. I have never seen such a wealth of eyesex in two-and-a-half hours.

I understand ever so well why eeyore9990 said she couldn't make a proper response post to this film because her reaction was pretty much just one long squee sound. This film...I want to do this film. I could throw one leg over that boxed reel of celluloid and make moaning noises. There is little point in me trying to do a moment-by-moment breakdown of what I loved and what worked because every shot and every line and every plotpoint and every characterization and every calculated "See what we did there?" was beautiful. Some near-and-dear stuff will get specified under the cut, but, oh my god. The film gave every major character their own spotlight in the dance and I love how it did that and I loved absolutely everybody.

Which means my true fandom contribution should be to LIST ALL THE MOMENTS WHERE THE CHARACTERS WERE HAVING BETWEEN-SCENE SEX. AND THEN WE WILL ALL WRITE THEM. AND I'LL WRITE THE ONES THAT GET NEGLECTED. C'mon, what else do you hang around my journal for, anyway?



So as we're going into the theatre twitching audibly about the Joss Whedon script, one member of our group deadpans. "It's Whedon. You know what that means: someone's gonna get impaled." And we all laugh. UNIVERSE, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SENSE OF IRONY DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DISPLAY IT WHERE I CAN SEE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME. Oh, christ, Coulson Coulson Coulson. I'm still numb from it. It worked, and Whedon does that sort of thing, but OH. I keep having the imaginary conversations in my head:

WHEDON: You know I'm going to need to kill someone.
PRODUCER-TYPE GUY: It can't be any of the mains. Don't even try to go there, Whedon.
WHEDON: But it has to be, or there's no impact. If you want the film to be good it needs impact.
P-TG: Don't even think of touching any of the Avengers. That's a no-go, no negotiations.
WHEDON: Fury, then.
P-TG: Aargh, NO. HE COUNTS AS ONE OF THEM.
WHEDON: Pepper.
P-TG: WILL YOU STOP MAKING ME FROTH AT THE MOUTH.
WHEDON: Coulson.
P-TG: Wh-oh, no. I-- no, I just--AARGH. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US.

*gets teary again*

I made no secret that my interest in this film rocketed up to eleven when I saw that glimpse of Hawkeye in Thor, and I was so terrified I'd be disappointed by him. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. Those two minutes of him in Thor set the pattern for his character, and not only was he all over the screen, fierce and fabulous, he became my entry point for the film. He's an agent and a hero, but he's also a human, solid and honorable and straightforward and scarily capable of being humbled by those superhuman forces Loki brings to crush the human world. But Loki can't crush the human spirit, can he, as Plucky German Old Guy points out. And when Barton comes to, his reaction is a simple, hey, I've been used. And I I'm pretty upset about that, and I'm going to do something about it. He's not cold with rage about it; those two minutes in Thor did a great deal to negate a potential stereotype of a stony cold ace agent, with those humorous little asides of his; he's shaken by what has happened, and he cares, very simply, very warmly. Very humanly. As much as I adored watching him just for being Hot Guy With A Bow, I really, really loved him, loved every word out of his mouth, every little half-smile of his, and he was my viewpoint for the film. (This is typical of me. Character I most want to be = > synonymous with = > character I want to do.)

Yes, I loved what every other viewer loved about everyone else: Stark's snark and reluctant-hero spark (see what I did there), Thor's palpable bleeding-out of innocence and goodness from that never-healing wound he has over his brother's betrayal, Natasha's ability to fake out her opponents who see what they expect to see because they underestimate her, Steve's rock-solid leadership abilities (he's much less naïve than everyone wants to think he is; Thor still corners the market on that), Banner's affability as a cheerful, competent enigma, Fury's unflappability and chaotic good core, Coulson's sideways-thinking "Not the government agent you expected, am I" humor, and, shoot, Loki is nearly impossible for me to break down in his awesomeness beyond that he was the perfect trickster god-villain (I like to think being hard to pin down would please him, anyway). I think my favorite visual effect of the whole film is still the spittle on the plexiglass.

So let's get past that and onto the part that reads like a Kink Meme Scorecard, shall we? Based on the eyesex in this film I conclude that:

-Coulson and Natasha and Barton have been in a tender three-way relationship for years. YEARS, I tell you.

-Fury and Coulson had a very brief thing once but once the Coulson/Natasha/Barton three-way got started Fury never tried again; it would have thrown the three-way all out of balance and Fury knew it and he was too fond of Coulson to do that to him.

-You know there was Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con. Loki told himself it was just to be sure of his power over Barton, but he was deluding himself; he was so very in need of a bit of worship just then.

-Thor and Loki did not have any time to get it on during the film. But they totally did after.

-Ditto Banner and Stark.

-But Stark and Steve did. Stark was feeling edgy because he knew it was risky to tempt Banner out of his comfort zone and into a convenient bathroom stall, so instead he leapt a little too hard on Steve at the end of one of their muttery corridor poutfests. The result was messy and mind-blowing and Steve wasn't sure if he hated the sated look on Stark's face or was proud of putting it there.

-And Stark thought the resulting truce it bought him with Steve meant it would be a great tactic to try on Thor, so he did. There was a lot more talk with him but it all came out right in the end. And to be fair, Stark told Steve he was going to try it; is it Stark's fault Steve thought he was joking?

-Barton and Natasha had two straight days of mutual comfort sex after the film. They didn't say Coulson's name because they didn't have to, it was all they were thinking.

-Pepper and Stark had celebration sex that turned into comfort sex when Pepper did say Coulson's name and cried a little.


GET WRITING, PEOPLE. The Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con already wrote itself twice in my head; do I have to do this all myself?