Flailgasms, fansquees, and ALL THE FEELS. Avengers review.

[amanuensis1]

Avengers, The Avengers, Avengers Assemble...whatever they called it in your damn country, it's my duty to tell you they titled it wrong. The actual title of this film is, Would You All Just F**k Already.

Oh my GOD. I have never seen such a wealth of eyesex in two-and-a-half hours.

I understand ever so well why eeyore9990 said she couldn't make a proper response post to this film because her reaction was pretty much just one long squee sound. This film...I want to do this film. I could throw one leg over that boxed reel of celluloid and make moaning noises. There is little point in me trying to do a moment-by-moment breakdown of what I loved and what worked because every shot and every line and every plotpoint and every characterization and every calculated "See what we did there?" was beautiful. Some near-and-dear stuff will get specified under the cut, but, oh my god. The film gave every major character their own spotlight in the dance and I love how it did that and I loved absolutely everybody.

Which means my true fandom contribution should be to LIST ALL THE MOMENTS WHERE THE CHARACTERS WERE HAVING BETWEEN-SCENE SEX. AND THEN WE WILL ALL WRITE THEM. AND I'LL WRITE THE ONES THAT GET NEGLECTED. C'mon, what else do you hang around my journal for, anyway?



So as we're going into the theatre twitching audibly about the Joss Whedon script, one member of our group deadpans. "It's Whedon. You know what that means: someone's gonna get impaled." And we all laugh. UNIVERSE, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SENSE OF IRONY DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DISPLAY IT WHERE I CAN SEE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME. Oh, christ, Coulson Coulson Coulson. I'm still numb from it. It worked, and Whedon does that sort of thing, but OH. I keep having the imaginary conversations in my head:

WHEDON: You know I'm going to need to kill someone.
PRODUCER-TYPE GUY: It can't be any of the mains. Don't even try to go there, Whedon.
WHEDON: But it has to be, or there's no impact. If you want the film to be good it needs impact.
P-TG: Don't even think of touching any of the Avengers. That's a no-go, no negotiations.
WHEDON: Fury, then.
P-TG: Aargh, NO. HE COUNTS AS ONE OF THEM.
WHEDON: Pepper.
P-TG: WILL YOU STOP MAKING ME FROTH AT THE MOUTH.
WHEDON: Coulson.
P-TG: Wh-oh, no. I-- no, I just--AARGH. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US.

*gets teary again*

I made no secret that my interest in this film rocketed up to eleven when I saw that glimpse of Hawkeye in Thor, and I was so terrified I'd be disappointed by him. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. Those two minutes of him in Thor set the pattern for his character, and not only was he all over the screen, fierce and fabulous, he became my entry point for the film. He's an agent and a hero, but he's also a human, solid and honorable and straightforward and scarily capable of being humbled by those superhuman forces Loki brings to crush the human world. But Loki can't crush the human spirit, can he, as Plucky German Old Guy points out. And when Barton comes to, his reaction is a simple, hey, I've been used. And I I'm pretty upset about that, and I'm going to do something about it. He's not cold with rage about it; those two minutes in Thor did a great deal to negate a potential stereotype of a stony cold ace agent, with those humorous little asides of his; he's shaken by what has happened, and he cares, very simply, very warmly. Very humanly. As much as I adored watching him just for being Hot Guy With A Bow, I really, really loved him, loved every word out of his mouth, every little half-smile of his, and he was my viewpoint for the film. (This is typical of me. Character I most want to be = > synonymous with = > character I want to do.)

Yes, I loved what every other viewer loved about everyone else: Stark's snark and reluctant-hero spark (see what I did there), Thor's palpable bleeding-out of innocence and goodness from that never-healing wound he has over his brother's betrayal, Natasha's ability to fake out her opponents who see what they expect to see because they underestimate her, Steve's rock-solid leadership abilities (he's much less naïve than everyone wants to think he is; Thor still corners the market on that), Banner's affability as a cheerful, competent enigma, Fury's unflappability and chaotic good core, Coulson's sideways-thinking "Not the government agent you expected, am I" humor, and, shoot, Loki is nearly impossible for me to break down in his awesomeness beyond that he was the perfect trickster god-villain (I like to think being hard to pin down would please him, anyway). I think my favorite visual effect of the whole film is still the spittle on the plexiglass.

So let's get past that and onto the part that reads like a Kink Meme Scorecard, shall we? Based on the eyesex in this film I conclude that:

-Coulson and Natasha and Barton have been in a tender three-way relationship for years. YEARS, I tell you.

-Fury and Coulson had a very brief thing once but once the Coulson/Natasha/Barton three-way got started Fury never tried again; it would have thrown the three-way all out of balance and Fury knew it and he was too fond of Coulson to do that to him.

-You know there was Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con. Loki told himself it was just to be sure of his power over Barton, but he was deluding himself; he was so very in need of a bit of worship just then.

-Thor and Loki did not have any time to get it on during the film. But they totally did after.

-Ditto Banner and Stark.

-But Stark and Steve did. Stark was feeling edgy because he knew it was risky to tempt Banner out of his comfort zone and into a convenient bathroom stall, so instead he leapt a little too hard on Steve at the end of one of their muttery corridor poutfests. The result was messy and mind-blowing and Steve wasn't sure if he hated the sated look on Stark's face or was proud of putting it there.

-And Stark thought the resulting truce it bought him with Steve meant it would be a great tactic to try on Thor, so he did. There was a lot more talk with him but it all came out right in the end. And to be fair, Stark told Steve he was going to try it; is it Stark's fault Steve thought he was joking?

-Barton and Natasha had two straight days of mutual comfort sex after the film. They didn't say Coulson's name because they didn't have to, it was all they were thinking.

-Pepper and Stark had celebration sex that turned into comfort sex when Pepper did say Coulson's name and cried a little.


GET WRITING, PEOPLE. The Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con already wrote itself twice in my head; do I have to do this all myself?

Comments

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

I WANT ALL THE LOKI FIC FROM YOU SO BAD.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I WANT IT TOO. FROM OTHERS, I MEAN, AND FROM ME TOOOO. I seriously do not feel I can compete with the Thor/Loki writers who set stuff in Asgard; I just don't do worldbuilding the way that deserves. But out of Asgard? With a human or two? I bet I can muster up some a' that.

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

I want to take a big ol bite of Agent Hill. She is SO my flavor!


Also: The camera work during the Loki/Romanov interrogation was astonishingly awesome! His distorted reflection coming slowly into focus as he menaced her. Oh, that was genius.

Also also, I don't think Phil is dead. I know Joss has done that in the past, but a) this is Marvel, b) he's smarter than to repeat an awesome play in the very next film down the line, and c) Stark mentioned decoy drones when Phil first showed up at Stark Tower. Fury WOULD say he'd died, wouldn't he?

Oh, what evil things I want to do to Loki... especially in his little gag there at the end. OH!!!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I so wanted to have a fantasy about Fury bundling off Coulson to the infirmary and deciding at that moment to lie to the Avengers to motivate them: "...they called it." And Coulson showing up in one of the post-credits scenes, "Need to know, my friends. You didn't need to know." But it felt so unfair to have that fantasy. Wah.

DEAR GOD THAT GAG. I love that gag so much I can't even begin to talk about all the things it inspires in me, I'm too embarrassed. And this is ME we're talking about.

[effie-chan.livejournal.com]

Ugggggh that gag! *dies* I'm just imagining Thor putting that on Loki and Loki's resentful silence. And again with the tears! That fight on Stark tower, where Loki is all "Pfft, sentiment." *cry*
I really loved how menacing he was in the rest of the film though. Also he has the best insults. I mean, "mewling quim", what?

And Natasha! Natasha was awesome. She tricked the Trickster god! I mean, how badass is that?

I just. I ship everyone with everyone in this film. (Though, as you may have noticed, especially Thor/Loki)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Loki was gorgeous. That gag, a;sdlkajslfajslfajslfalfdjal!!!!! It was perfect, because the most dangerous part of Loki is his mouth, but homg, the filthy things it made me think. And "QUIM." Oh, my god. Just another one of the beautiful moments in the whole beautiful thing.

I ship everyone with everyone in this film We've all got our top preferences, I'm sure, but THIS IS SO TRUE.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I adored Hawkeye. I enjoyed this movie so much it should be illegal. It hit so many buttons--awesome archery/magic device arrows (like Lady Jaye in GI Joe cartoons) wielded by hot archer guy who hit all buttons...awesome team of people defeat another team (in this case, an army)...great dialogue, and vulnerable moments from all the characters...nice humor moments. LOVED.

And now I want to find Hawkeye fanfic. Preferably lots of it. With lots of h/c. lol

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*points to icon* My archer kink goes wayyyyyy back. YES, THE AMOUNT I LOVE THIS FILM CANNOT BE LEGAL, I agree.

I'm going to find all the Hawkeye fanfic. ALL OF IT.

[venivincere]

I think I came when Hulk wiped the floor with Loki.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I think half the theatre did. The gleeful, twisted half, plus a few who thought they were pretty vanilla in their tastes. :D

[golden-bastet.livejournal.com]

Don't hold back, now - tell us what you really thought of it. :D

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, I guess it was okay. Jeremy Renner does have nice arms, I s'pose. ^_^

[maddiec24.livejournal.com]

I told you - - awesome!

GET WRITING, PEOPLE. The Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con already wrote itself twice in my head; do I have to do this all myself?

I have been searching for this since I saw the movie. Can't believe there isn't any yet.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

WHERE IS IT PRECIOUSSSS. Oh, wait, that's right--it's in my head. I need to stop talking about it and GIT IT DOWN ON PAPER.

[scarletscarlet.livejournal.com]

I would like to see the scene where Thor put that gag on his brother. I feel like it would be something I would enjoy on multiple levels :).

(and Barton/Romanov, yes please)

[effie-chan.livejournal.com]

There might be someone I know writing that already. But they have been having trouble with words lately so no garantees as to when it'll show up. Rest assured that I will link, when it does.

[ryuaka.livejournal.com]

Because I love Thor and think hes such a piece of Spank Bank that I could get pregnant by looking at him, I came a little when he appeared, because OH MY GOD, Why does your costume in this movie have NO SLEEVES??! And OH MY GOD, WILL YOU LOOK AT THOSE PIPES/Arms??!?!?!?! ALSO ASJKGHFDSJKFHSDHJKF His voice is so freaking hot. I think he would moan with an accent. I alsmost rolled on the floor dying laughing when The Hulk picked up Loki and threw him around like a ragdoll. My friend came when Captain America turned to The Hulk and said: "Hulk, Smash."

I was WAITING for them to say "Avengers Assemble."
Also, Did you stay all the way to the very end, when
Spoiler!!!!!!!! They all go for Schwarma? Spoiler!!!!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

such a piece of Spank Bank that I could get pregnant by looking at him

*dies laughing* I will be thinking that ALL WEEK. *wipes tears from eyes*

The Shwarma scene was one of the most wonderful moments in the history of cinema. That scene WAS sex. All that post-coital tristesse, done up in diner metaphor.

[atdelphi.livejournal.com]

-Coulson and Natasha and Barton have been in a tender three-way relationship for years. YEARS, I tell you.

I need someone to write this. I need it badly.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*shakes head helplessly* So that means I have to put it near the top of the list, your wishes affect me so strongly.

[daigranon.livejournal.com]

Loki/Barton mindslave fic....all coherent thought ceases when I see Hawkeye in that sleeveless shirt. And could Loki be any more badass? The male fan service in this film was so satisfying. And yes, Joss, someone has to be impaled.

Rtd should be called TONY SNARK yes.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

all coherent thought ceases when I see Hawkeye in that sleeveless shirt I found myself just as enamoured of the short-sleeved affair, too--it led just enough vulnerability to him that his mindslaving was all the more poignant. (Poignant=knickers-melting, if you didn't know. :D How on earth did they know how effective it would be to make him the WOOBIE.)

[cellia.livejournal.com]

lol

But did you like it?

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I guess it was okay. :D

You know what's really awful about seeing it opening weekend? All that much more time that I have to wait from the time I saw it to the release of the DVD. Aaaaaaargh!

[lil-shepherd.livejournal.com]

I am rather fond of Whedon's bland answer to this when asked by Empire, "What's it like doing a movie where you are so restricted and can't kill off any of the characters."

Whedon, blandly: "Oh, you're wrong. I really enjoyed killing off Captain America."

(Which seeing as Cap was dead for nearly three years between the Superhero Civil War and Siege in the comic books was not, I suppose, totally improbable.)

I saw my first Coulson-isn't-dead fixit less than a day after the movie aired.

And as the aforementioned Phil Coulson has now been written into the main Marvel comics universe continuity, where he is not dead, and they have also managed to introduce a new Nick Fury (Nick Fury Jnr, actually) who is the Samuel L Jackson look-a-like a la the Ultimates and Movie universes...

The truly great fanfic in the Marvel universes is primarily comic book, though there are some very decent movieverse fics out there (most of which have, as their authors point out with glee, been thoroughly Jossed...)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Whedon, you're a sneaky sonuvaso-and-so.

I completely believe you about the Coulson fixit-fics. I'd write one myself if it didn't feel so hollow to do it. But I think all the Avengers moviefic that just includes him without explaining or apologizing will feel perfectly normal to me. Where's all the storyverse fun without Coulson in it, after all?

(Woo, your icon! Gotta get me some iconing.)

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

That moment where Tony poked Bruce with a sharp stick and Bruce just looked at him and smiled in the "Huh, someone who doesn't think I'm going to turn into a monster. I like him" way... I was crushing so hard on them together.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful. They were beautiful together. Just wonderful and...gahhh.

[lil-shepherd.livejournal.com]

Oh, and in case you were wondering, inamac read your post aloud to me (I was in the middle of reading steve/tony smut, but then I often am) and I arrived to read it for myself.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

You do not know how much utter joy it gives me to know that someone is READING MY POST OUT LOUD. YOU DO NOT KNOW.

*hugs you*

*molests your icon*

[eeyore9990.livejournal.com]

I have decided that it's in my best interests to go see it again immediately. Or, you know, tomorrow. :P While the kids and hubby are occupied with school/work. So that I can properly moan instead of stifling that shit for the betterment of my marriage, lol.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I'm going again this week. I am so going again. (Fortunately the S.O. likes it when I moan. :D )

[ariadneelda.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you liked it this much!! And your review, complete with all the missing sex scenes, is the BEST. :D

Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con.

OMG YOU NEED TO WRITE THIS!!!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

It's been struggling to find a viewpoint for nearly 24 hours now, but I finally HAVE ONE and have STARTED. :D Meanwhile quigonejinn did not fail us, I KNEW SHE WOULD NOT, she's writing her version in posts and comments, GO LOOK at her recent journal posts, omigod I cannot even make proper links GO LOOK.

[goseaward.livejournal.com]

I can't remember where I read it, but supposedly it was Marvel's idea to kill of Coulson and Joss tried to convince them otherwise because he didn't want the fans to hate him, since they'd obviously blame him? To which the person who linked it to me said, "Cry wolf..."

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*laughs and laughs* If that's true, it's hilarious. Except it's SO SAD, OMG PHILLLL.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

-You know there was Loki/Barton mindslave dub-con. Loki told himself it was just to be sure of his power over Barton, but he was deluding himself; he was so very in need of a bit of worship just then.

Yep, just found some. You've probably already read it, but thought I'd mention it anyway...

Trial Run (http://archiveofourown.org/works/399666).

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, ye gods, LOOK AT THAT, it's there, it's there and it's--oh, cripes, it's Loki POV, maybe I can't read this until I finish writing the one I'm working on...no, no, wait, it looks very different from what I'm imagining...maybe I...oh, gods, I've got to try to hold off for a day or two...!

Bless you, bless you for pointing me this way--I'm gonna save this one as long as I can while I write mine!

[ausmac.livejournal.com]

Dunno, up till now I thought you were a fairly decent fan fic writer....but you have exceeded yourself...which sounds sort of kinky really. "Excuse me while I go exceed myself..."

(:

I didnt get any slashy vibes of course. My mind doesnt work that way.

No, really!

Other than Stark/Just about anybody

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I guess there have been runs of frenzy...*eyes a few months in pornish_pixies fests*...but SOMEONE ELSE HAS GOTTA SHOULDER AT LEAST PART O' THIS BURDEN.

I hadn't believed Stark was the fandom bicycle until I wrote this post and realized how many times he'd got some in this film. :D Enlightenment, I accept you!

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, this has nothing to do with The Avengers, I just didn't want anyone to find this comment on my normal email if I email it to you. :) Just wanted to say that you're a marvelous porn writer and I came about a dozen times reading your disturbing, fucked up, kinky as hell HP femmeslash and m/m BDSM. this is weird because I haven't been involved in fandom in years and only came across your website by chance as a recommendation on a random blog.

keep writing, you've got at least one queer girl happily jerking it to your awesome girl kink porn!! xoxo

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*hearts* You dear thing, thank you so much! Having put orgasm-fodder into the world delights me. :D I hope to keep up the trend! Thank you so much for leaving this comment; you made my day!

[tealightwhimsy.livejournal.com]

I just watched the movie and, yes. YES! Everything you said!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I am so utterly obsessed with this film. I keep struggling to write just this first fic but I'm overjoyed at how driven I am to do it. And all the fic to read and the pretty pictures to look at and...oh, god, JUST EVERYTHING.

[miscellanny.livejournal.com]

*laughs helplessly*

I would willingly accept any and all pairing combinations from this film, frankly.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Pretty much! I have my favorites, but even the Gen OT6 (as the kink meme seems to term it) wins me so hard.